I Hate the Beach.

Yes, I do. I will not lie. I absolutely loathe Summer and its contextual companion, Le Beach. It is the worst combination of the year.
When people are down at the beach frolicking about practically naked I am sitting at home watching day time television and eating my sorrows.
The beach is sandy, sticky and uncomfortable. Sand gets in every nook and cranny of the items you take to the beach, it scratches your sunnies and gets in between the buttons of your phone.
You know how those annoying people shake the sand off their beach towel and it goes all over some innocent soul that doesn't even want to be there in the first place? Yep, I'm that innocent soul or rather, sandy soul.
You know those guys? The ones that go to the beach just to check out the 'talent' and poke fun at anyone that does not look super hot and babein'? Yep, they ruin the beach. They are meat heads whom I would rather not run into.
I can understand how most people like the beach. Sure, its a nice place to cool off when its super hot outside. Its a nice place to burn yourself to a crisp so you can get that non-orange tan. But for the obsessively body conscious (OBC) that place is like a frickin' war zone. OBC people account for about 1 in 20 beach dwellers. You can spot them from a mile away slowly but surely stumbling over the sand, finding a spot amongst the tanning bodies that isn't too close to someone else but not too far away as to draw attention to oneself. They peel off the many layers they have warn to the beach (unfortunately it is impossible to peel off the winter coat you have developed over the cooler months-I have tried) and immediately drop to the sand like a bag of...er...sand and try to execute their next move; do they lay in the sun and get frazzled, pretending to be asleep, or dare I suggest get up and wander to the water for a dip that could turn into a soak if anxiety sets in and OBC person cannot extract themselves for fear of looking like a beached whale. Whatever OBC person chooses to do, the most exciting part of the beach trip is putting an end to the beach trip.
The beach is heinous.
...
But really, it wouldn't be so heinous if I looked like Zooey Deschanel.

Signed,
OBC lass